here's to a new beginning! ;))

Tama ka, you were just a waste of time... A waste of my time and space and efforts and feelings and memories and LOVE!

I don’t care what you think or feel or say or do anymore. Gago ka. GAGO!

Wag mong sabihing may concern ka o kung ano pa mang bullshit yan. Tama ka, wala kang kwenta. Buti alam mo, tang ina mo.

For the first time in my life, I’m actually feeling something other than love for you. Something you are actually deserving of. Yawa ka la.

Akala ko noon kahit di ako maka-move on, OK lang. Na kahit di tayo parehas ng nararamdaman, ayus lang basta’t andyan ka. Ngayon naisip ko, hindi naman talaga tayo pwedeng maging friends lang forever. Hindi ko kaya.

Di ko kayang maging kasing-insensitive mo.

Pero naisip ko din: yan pala ang tunay na ikaw.

Tama ka, hindi na kita kilala. And that these feelings I have are for the person I loved 10 years ago. Tama ka, as you always have been.

I was in love with the person who always did everything for me, who always forgave me, who was always patient with me, who never said and did anything to hurt me, and who gave the most fricking damn about me.

Yes that might have been true but God knows how utterly patient I have been to have waited this long and to have loved the person who was the exact opposite. I loved you despite the changes. I loved you no matter what. I loved YOU and you alone.

10 years! Geez, I’ve been an idiot for 10 years!! Frig.

However, I’ve already gone through all the hurt and humiliation, self-pity and all that crap for 10 years. Pagod na ako.

Andami kong pinalampas na chances because of you. I always thought of you and how you’d feel. But you never really gave a shit about me. Once again, tama ka: WALA KA NGANG KWENTA.

I never regretted ever loving you or having known you in the first place. To me, you were the most perfect person I’ve ever met.

But now as I contemplate about it, if I’d be given a chance to go back in time when you first asked me to give you a chance, I would—with all the insensitivity I could muster and notwithstanding the friendship which I once never wanted to lose—just utterly dismiss the idiotic idea and say NO. I won’t think of you and your goddamn feelings, I won’t feel the slightest sympathy for you, I won’t even be friends with you to begin with. And then I would have spared myself 10 years of pointless misery.

Nagsisisi ako. Nagagalit ako. Wala nang natitirang magagandang alaala sa isipan ko na nais ko pang balikan. Siguro nga isang-isa na lang ang kulang: to get rid of the love.

I don’t know how long it would take but I’m glad I’m finally taking this road towards moving on. I will replace all the bitterness with hope. And channel all the love to the people who are most worthy of receiving it. Family and friends and if by any chance he finds me, to the new HIM. (Pero matagal-tagal pa siguro yun, haha!)

For now, cheers to a new beginning!! ^_^

24

"While he looks so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love him when he smiles." :)


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, my one and only! ^_^
(Yaks. xD)

"special friend"

OK, so hindi na ako makatulog dahil dun. LoL
Seriously, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
You care for them, they care for you. And despite what you are, you deserve some of what you're having right now din naman at least. Haha.
I'm just glad I could still punch you in the stomach when I want to. Heck, I could still even talk to you. (with HER knowledge hopefully, for she obviously knows nothing about us. LoL)

Eto na ang ending natin. We're OK, we're friends. At OK na ako dun.
The sneaking out moment was really cute. Natunaw nga ako eh. ;)
At may props ka pa talagang toddler. Hahahaha.
Di ka pa rin nagbabago.
For a while there, I was reminded why I fell for you a long long time ago. YUCK. Hahahahaha.

I will always love you.
AS A FRIEND.

Pramis! =D


P.S. This entry isn't about HIM. (As in capital H-I-M.) Just one of my ex-special friends. (Yuck, meganun?! Nyahahaha)

burnout

We only get the one life, you know.

Hence, unless I get to say that I wouldn't want it without you, I may never stop this "not moving on" drama. Bahala nala, tanga na kun tanga. Ako man lat maaram. (plus my blog readers, of course. LoL. Ang labo!)

I have (literally) deliberately pushed you out of my system for who-knows-how-frickin-long, but these dreams never lie. Tama ang wish fulfillment theory ni Freud -- mukhang gustong gustong gusto na ata kitang makita.

Ay oo nga pala, segue lang: nagkita kami once. ACCIDENTALLY.

NAGKITA, as in: nagtinginan, nagtitigan, nagtaka kung hallucination lang yung moment, at hindi nilapitan ang isa't isa.

YUP, ganun ako kalabo. At ganun siya ka-epal.

Anyways, the point is that, after the incident I realized how so overly NOT over you I still am.

Pero oks lang, di na ako ganun kabaliw gaya nung dati.

Ayaw muna kitang makita at makausap. FOR NOW.
(Unless of course maulit yung epal na moment na yun. LoL)

Basta pramis, pag natapos na ang mga dapat kong tapusin, I shall seek thee. :D

Don't worry, I won't ask you to feel the same. Gusto ko lang malaman mo para maka-move on na rin ako. Ayaw na kasi kitang mahalin, FYI lang.

Sana sa susunod na blog entry, Free As A Bird by The Beatles na ang theme song ng lovelife ko.



"O kay tagal din kitang minahal...
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin." :D
- Sugarfree

bitter

I wouldn't want to think that we'd see each other again because at this point, unlike all those other times when seeing you was everything that ever mattered, I REALLY DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE.

It's bad enough that you broke my heart when you chose to do nothing. And I guess you've already proven your point. So please, just give my stupid heart a chance to heal. PARANG AWA MO NA... Konting-konti na lang naman makakalimutan na din kita. KONTING-KONTI NA LANG, pare... =)


A humongous amount of WASTED TIME -- that's all it had ever been, really. But with all the time I've spent deliberating on you and how the thought of you affects me so—with much surprise and a seemingly grand vision of epiphany for myself—I realized that you really are NOT THE ONE FOR ME. You never were and you never will be.

Mahirap isipin, mahirap aminin, at mahirap tanggapin, what with all the time and the energy and ob kors, THE LOVE, pare… xD
Pero ganun talaga eh: THE TRUTH HURTS, ika nga. And there’s one more truth I’ve discovered: ISA KA NGA PALANG JERK, and I’m so glad to have realized that.

Haha. May “LIGHT” din naman pala “AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.” And for me, it was one which bore the one question I was too afraid to ask all this time…

KUN KAYANU IKAW???
(Kayanu nayawa IKAW?? LoL. xD)

Ayoko na ring mag-isip pa tungkol sa mga Love-is-a-battlefield-Wag-maniwala-sa-destiny-dahil-ang-destiny-ay-nasa-ating-mga-kamay na CRAP because I’ve already exhausted everything that I have, and I still don’t have you.

Alam mo ba kung ano’ng ibig sabihin nun? ANG TANGA MO, pare. GAGO ka. At siguro nga tanga din ako. Dahil sa araw-araw na lang na ginawa ni Lord, IKAW at IKAW PA RIN ang pinili ko. GAGO.

But anyway, despite everything, I still want to thank you for having given my life a complication. And for having been the fuel and the sole inspiration to my literature. Wala lang, THANK YOU lang. Naisip ko kasi, since I’m gonna be hating you for the rest of my life, I might as well be kind to you for one last time, so THANK YOU.

Sasabihin ko sanang “I HOPE YOU CHOKE TO DEATH” or “I HOPE YOU F**KING DIE IN YOUR SLEEP” pero dahil kahit paano ay may pinagsamahan din naman tayo, so eto na lang…

I hope one day I could say the words “I DON’T F**KING LOVE YOU ANYMORE” to your face not because I’d want to hurt you or anything but because it’s the friggin truth. Pero for now, GOOD RIDDANCE!


SANA HINDI KA MAGING MASAYA KAHIT KELAN.
You deserve that. You really do. :)

TAE

Lagi nalang ba tayong ganito?
Di na ba tayo aabot dun sa puntong ngingiti ka dahil may sinabi ako tas sasabihin mo din na masaya ka dahil andito na tayo?
Malabo na ba talagang mangyaring magkaintindihan tayo ULIT?

Sana talaga di nalang tayo nagkakilala.
At sana din hindi mo na ako binigyan pa ng dahilan para maghintay pa.

TAE kasi.
Para tayong istoryang di matapos-tapos.
Oo nga may progression, pero wala namang matinong PLOT.
At nung halos umabot na tayo sa climax, para namang biglang nag-flashback sa panahong di na tayo nag-uusap!
TAE talaga.
Anti-climactic, ika nga.
At ang mas chaka pa dun, dahil di ko alam ang problema, e di wala din akong ibang maisip na resolution kundi ang maghintay...

Duwag ako. Manhid ka.
Kaya nga ba di tayo bagay na dalawa?

LoL.

Pero di nga, on a more serious note, sabihin mo lang and I'm gone. Sabihin mo lang and these feelings will never again be in that dormant state up until they're triggered once we meet again. Sabihin mo lang and I'll do whatever I can to stay away from you. One word from you, really, and I'm all GONE. Pramis!

Para naman magkaroon na rin ng ending. Kahit sad, at least may ending. At least, may chance nang magkaroon ng matinong epilogue yung istorya.

At higit sa lahat, para di ko na kelangan pang ma-guilty kahit in the first place ay wala naman akong dapat ika-guilty.
Di ba?

Baka lang kasi di mo pa ramdam na I DON'T WANT TO BE YOU FRIEND.
Or maybe at some point, I thought I could.
But it really hurts. To be able to see you and not be able to hold you the way I want to. GAYA NUNG DATI. (Char!! :D)


Yakan pa ha usa na kanta:
"You're the only light this empty room has ever had. Life without you is gonna be BLUER THAN BLUE... "

Hahahaha... YUCK!! xD

LoL...

I guess this is IT.
The moment I have been waiting for...

It wasn't quite what I expected,
But it still led to the one thing that, for all intents and purposes, I had been asking for all these years.

Thanks for doing nothing.
You know you're really good at that.

Thanks for the friendship.
I guess it's as good as over now too.

And thank you for breaking my heart...
Ever as usual.

Now you can go.
And please, don't ever come back.

I LOVED YOU.

Then again, I'm glad you were too busy to not know. =D

"embolus"

Although I’ve already thought, re-thought, and over-thought about it a million times, I guess the realizations will never really come to a complete closure until that day when I finally get what I want from you: the TRUTH.

It could hurt, but it would spare me from a pointless love chase less the “love” in the very least. And more importantly it would finally make come true the endless on-and-off resolution I’ve sworn to do for too many times: TO MOVE ON!! :D Yakan pa man ni Madel: “Puydi next chapter na??” Hahaha.

I know I’ve done things that might have seemed contrary to the fact that I love you. But I swear, I never meant to hurt you in any way. And I know I’ve been a coward. Repressing these thoughts just to spare me from the bitter truth and giving in to such cowardly assumptions…

For I love you, I had to let you go.

One good thing came out of it though: we were made to realize that we could still be better, and that we still had a friendship that’s worth keeping.

I could still endure whatever may come. Maaram kanaman di ko gud ikaw natitiis. Nyahaha! :D

waray klaro! :D

So I asked him if THEY (although for obvious reasons I only wanted to know if HE) could come home for the mini-reunion at the Arbas mansion this Sunday. And he said…


“Hi maloy it cgurado na mauli, ako ky wry pa klaro”


LoL. Nangatawa ak han phrase na “ako ky wry pa klaro.” Haha. If that line had only been said on an entirely different set of circumstances—like perhaps in relation to your true effing feelings (!!!)—then I would have replied (with much sarcasm, if I may add) with this:


“PIRMI MAN! :D”


Nyahahaha… I wish I could say things like that to his face! But, I couldn’t. So, that’s that.

I could only hope that all this “MISSING HIM-AND-LONGING-FOR-HIM-AND-DYING-TO-BE-WITH-HIM” drama I’ve had for the past few light-years is worth the friggin wait. LoL! Jusmiyu na kadramahan abaadaw!! :D

the little things

I love how you ask me this: “Kay-anu, nadiri ka?” when I see something new with your “look.”
It almost makes me think that you CARE about what I think.
But just so you know, you don’t have to worry about it because I like it the way it is. Ayeee! :D

I love how you explain to me about stuff.
It makes me think that you don’t want me to be an IMBECILE or something. Haha.
But just so you know, I listen to every little thing you say. :D

I love the fact that you’re never late.
It makes me think that you really want to see me. Nyahahaha
I mean, seriously, na-o-obvious ka lugud! Hahaha. :D

I love how you remember the things that I say.
And how you generalize what I like and what I don’t like based on what I tell you.
Like how you thought I didn’t like Boys Over Flowers just because I said I hated New Moon because it was a love story na parang ewan. Hahaha.
But just so you know, I would watch New Moon if you would. Ayeee! :D

I love that you slice my pizza for me. ^^,
Whether it was out of kindness or whatnot, I couldn’t care less.
You could keep doing that every time and I won’t mind. :D

I love that you do what you can to make me feel comfortable wherever those foreign places are that we go to.
It almost makes me feel like you really CARE.
Yes, as in the “more than friends” type of care. Nyahahaha! :D

And lastly, I love the fact that you show up when I need someone to show up most.
You really are a “true friend.” =)


And so you see, you do these things and leave me in an effing daze!
You know, it wouldn’t be so impossible to hate you if you weren’t this kind and sweet and thoughtful and amazing.

But just so you know, I appreciate everything—even if they’re in the context of us being “just friends.”
Thank you. =)

friends...

Come to think of it, I haven’t really been a good friend to him, at least not as good a friend as he is to me. I remember how I used to ask him for advice on forgetting that one person who has broken my heart very badly. And I remember him saying that he could not relate to what I was feeling and that he was sorry he couldn’t help. *sigh* But I do remember him saying this one: “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” (That’s already like my ultimate motto in life. LoL :D)

He has practically always been there (although not literally) because I could always spill my heart out to him and he would always listen. He may not always understand how it feels like to be broken-hearted but he could always make it seem like, just like any other thing, it was something which I could get by.

He knew how hard it was for me to go gaga over someone who treated me like crap. And I remember telling him every crappy thing this “moron” has done to me and he would always try not to react. He’s not at all perfect but he would try his best not to hurt me, especially with his “words” since it’s our only form of communication. And I would always love it when he explains to me how difficult it is for him to express what he feels through “TEXT.” And I sooo love it when he explains because these explanations would make up the longest text messages he’d ever send to me. (not like his usual messages which average 5 words. :D)

I remember hearing his thoughts on PMS and EMA and stuff. And I remember contemplating on it and comparing him to the “moron” who broke my heart, and then telling him, “Agi kay buutan ka man, adto kay pervert!” Hahahaha… And I would smile at the thought of him laughing at it because I would think to myself that perhaps it was the only consolation he had for putting up with my endless rants. *sigh*

And now what have I done for him, as a “friend”?

Well, I always tried my best to be nice, although I always ended up being sardonic and, at times, even totally apathetic. But deep down, God knows how deeply and genuinely concerned I was about him, as a friend. :D

I am amazed at how we’ve managed to still be friends despite what happened to us in the past. And by “friend,” I mean actually not having any more love for him (in the romantic sense) because I really just saw him as a friend then.

But that was then. xD

I remember summer of 2007 when we saw each other for the most number of times since high school.

I remember when we went to Tolosa and I practically just spent the night sleeping at Jandy’s house because I didn’t want Jandy’s brother to see me outside. LoL!! But eventually, they (the Pahals) asked me to go to the beach and I went with them but I didn’t join them in bathing. So anyway, he sat with me by the shore. I forgot what we talked about but I know it wasn’t something personal. It was like a 1/3 conversation + 2/3 silence kind of moment. And an awkward moment at that! I asked him to sit in front of me kay mahagkut adto an hangin tikang ha dagat. And he obliged, ever as usual. LoL.

And there was that time when we (the Pahals) went to his place just because Marlou said, “Basta pakadto kay may pangaun!” Haha. I had no idea it was a grad party for his mother and when we went in, his mother called me and I was amazed at how she still remembered my name. *sigh* I remember he asked me to drink the beer which he opened for me, and I outrightly dismissed it. He told me to drink it or else… :D And that was awkward moment #2. Haha.

And I remember when we were at Kristel’s house for the fiesta. We (Churny and I) went there on short notice and only because they (the Pahals) were there. I remember wanting to leave right after eating because I knew there’d be a drinking session afterwards, and I simply don’t drink. (KJ noh? :D) So I was basically just standing by the stairs and ready to leave when he “cornered” me (LoL! :D) and asked me to stay a while longer. *sigh* And that was awkward moment #3. Haha!

Those were the memorable ones—memorable in the sense that they were the only ones I remembered. Haha. But I could very well remember how every time we said goodbye, he would always tell me, “Text na la.” :D

And now that I think of it that was actually the time when my love for him was really purely Platonic and it was almost like I was ignoring him all the time—or at least when he tried talking to me.

After that summer, we had not seen each other for almost 3 years. :D

And now I have no idea why I remember these things all of a sudden. It’s probably because I’m confused.

It’s just that when I’m alone with him (which almost always means that I get to experience his slightly repulsive personality), I would madly wish that the day would just end as soon as effing possible. And then when the day is done and I get to think of what has happened (which almost always means that I realize just how kind and sweet and thoughtful he really is, but only in the weirdest ways), I would madly wish that I’d see him again as soon as effing possible! I mean, is that CRAZY or what?? :D

Perhaps we’re better off as friends… But then again, on second thought, DIRI AKO HIT FRIENDS LA!! :D

I LOVE HIM. That’s all there is to it, really. ^_^

whatever...

For some time now, I've been waiting for that moment-slash-incident-slash-"big mistake" which would eventually lead me to HATE you... But, unfortunately, I'm not about to recount some hateful acts which you've committed because there haven't been any yet (at least as far as our "friendship" is concerned). No matter how insensitive you are, when you do what you do to me (i.e. those that spell "kind and sweet and gentlemanly" xD), it altogether erases whatever irk I have for still not knowing what you really feel.

ASAR noh? =) Pero ganun talaga eh, if I weren't this patient, then maybe I wouldn't deserve you. Para na nga akong gumagawa ng incident report ngayon dahil sa tindi ng pag-ulan ng alibis sa utak ko. The how's and why's of whatever led us to this kind of relationship just piles up until I'm left with only the biggest remorse I have ever had in my entire life.

I don't know if I still have the right to expect as much as I do now given the mixed "signs" that I'm receiving. But if I had known you for only a short time, I'd have given you up as easily as I did the others (for lack of a more appropriate term, haha). But then again, I know for a fact that that's just you. If I'd attempt to change or at least talk you into changing the way you deal with people, most especially with me (!), then you wouldn't be the "YOU" whom I LOVE. (eew! :D)

But kidding aside, whatever it is or however weeny it is that you have to give, I will accept it. THAT is how much I love you... =)

i wish you were here... T_T

I wish for a time when we could talk as if not a single thing from our past had ever happened.
I wish there was a way for me to know you without risking a broken heart.
I wish you had never been good to me and had never thought good of me.
I wish we had never become friends and never concurred to the same idiotic crap we'd ever obsessed on.
I wish there was a way for us to forget that we had once fallen in love with our idiotic selves.
I wish love had never come in the way of our friendship.
I wish we had stayed friends. I wish we had only been friends.
I wish I never liked you. And loved you. And hurt you.
I wish there was some way to forget everything you are and everything you'd done.

I wish I never met you.
That way I would never miss you as badly as I do now.

I WISH YOU WERE HERE... T_T

"the scientist"

I think it's best that I stop this while I still can. After all, it's not like there's the existence of something mutual other than friendship here.

I know that you love me. And you don't want me to be hurt, in as much as I don't want you to be, either. I also know that you still care. You even care enough to still be my friend and to still give a shit about me when I was slowly falling apart and to give your doses of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" advices p.r.n. Then again, apparently still not enough to make you change your stupid plans for me, more so change your friggin drinking and smoking habits for me even for just a day.

I guess I've also grown tired of waiting... Of endlessly hypothesizing. Of planning for stupid schemes that never had once come to fruition. Of over-analyzing those goddamn feelings of yours based on the littlest things that you tell me.

"It's such a shame for us to part..." without me knowing what lies there in your idiotic HEART!
I still love you though... Only that, I think it's finally time for me to let go. =)


THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES... =)

kalokohan...

Bakit ako dapat magalit?

(1) no reply since who-knows-when
(2) he told me to text him if something comes up and now he doesn't give a damn that I did.
(3) I had to know that he was coming home through a friend's FB wall (!)
(4) he never bothered to let me know whatever it was that I wanted him to tell me (if ever those friggin posts were actually true)
(5) for the nth time, he made me feel so effing UNIMPORTANT!
(6) buti pa ang iba, narereply-an nya't nababati...
(7) and because despite these aforementioned premises, I'd still be willing to forgive him if he explains to me what's happened to him for the past few days! (And that makes me a friggin IDIOT. And I feel so shitty because of it, and I am given reasons to hate myself, and I don't friggin like it, so dapat akong magalit! T_T)

Then again, bakit naman ako HINDI dapat magalit?

(1) hindi naman kami... (agi, OUCH!! xD)
(2) thus, I've no right to feel such emotions as these...
(3) moreover, no right to expect, more so demand, anything as grand as him answering my messages and letting me know where he is, or in the very least, asking me how I'm doing. T_T
(4) we're just friends, and friends don't make such a big deal out of such lame reasons as that which I have.
(5) wala naman talaga siyang ginagawang masama; he's just making me feel how he really feels about and thinks of me: Friggin UNIMPORTANT. Friggin WASTE OF TIME. Friggin "JUST A FRIEND". And friggin NOTHING MORE...

What if what I'm feeling is just one big friggin MISTAKE and he's really not "the one"?
What if what I've waited for what seemed like decades was not meant for me all along?

Or maybe... What if all of this just serves to underscore the real meaning of LOVE: that is, over and above everything else, PATIENCE?
And maybe I'm just being a bit overly dramatic.
Maybe there really is an underlying reason for his actions and I just overreacted because anything that involves him, especially that which spells the "HIM HURTING ME" drama, is something to be overreacted upon just because I f**king love him!

*sigh*

LOVE... YOU... ME...
Will these friggin entities ever belong to the same wavelength?

LoL!! Ang OA ko! =D


"Ang LOVE, parang turtle na lumilipad -- KALOKOHAN." :D

minamalas

Perhaps they were meant to let you know that I have moved on. But of course I still care. It's one of the many curses you've left me for being in love with you ONCE. TWICE. THRICE. n number of times where n>the number of years of my existence on planet Earth.

If you've read, I hope you realize some "things".

Hindi ako papansin. Hindi rin ako OA.
Siguro nga gusto ko lang malaman kung ano na nga ba.
Because if I had to live this life for you, and all you'll ever be giving me is a friggin POSSIBILITY, bangin malagas nala intawun ak paghinulat. Hahahahaha...

Hindi lang ikaw ang may kakayahang maging insensitive. At hindi porke't mahal kita e hahayaan ko na lang na maging parati nalang na ganito...

Only question left now is: WILL I EVER EVER KNOW? @_@

Haaaaay...... Malas ko, ikaw ang natipuhan ko... T_T

kibir!

I just want to let it all out. So that when my desire to push through with this KABALIWAN is all gone and I tire of crying my bleeding heart out, baka makalimutan na kita. Wala na akong pakialam kung umuwi ka man next week. In the event na mag-text ka, WALA NA AKONG PAKIALAM!!! T_T

Do you know how hard it is to have someone as insensitive, and manhid, and indifferent towards my feelings as the love of my friggin life?!

How could I have loved someone who'd hurt my feelings now and again, and then once in a blue moon would make me ecstatic and make it seem like there's something mutual between us when in fact there's friggin nothing! Someone who'd tell me to text him if something comes up and not give a damn if I do. And someone who'd, in one way or another, make me feel as unattractive as some pimply four-eyed geek who had never had a lovelife since birth!

PAIN. Frankly that's all you'd ever caused me. And for that, I wouldn't want to need you anymore.

I really thought we had a chance at something... I used to love you so much, you know that? I used to love you, and every time I tried to tell you, the oddest of odds would materialize. Hahahahaha... Dapat pala sineryoso ko yung signs. Baka nga naman ayaw talaga sa atin ng tadhana and I was so silly to think that this friggin free will was what I needed. Y**K la.

Just like I said, bahala ka na tim life, bahala nala liwat ak hit ak. KIBIR!

bahala na...

I hate him. I promise never to associate myself with him ever again. EVER!

He was "the only one I cared enough to hurt about" and has practically given me nothing but heartache... A million fears and insecurities, and a reason to hate myself. LECHE!

I used to think that I'd have nothing to live and die for if you were gone. But right now, I'd rather be "empty" than be bombarded with all these heartaches every day of my life. If my memory of you could just leave my brain just like on that 50 First Dates movie, then I'd be happy. With that I wouldn't have to wake up every morning feeling all shitty because I longed for something which Icouldn't ever have. T_T

I swear, from this day on, diri na ak makig-istorya ha im EVER! Not unless you give me a good reason why you've been ever so bagtik lately -- and for all of your life even! Bisan kapa makig-istorya, di nak makig-istorya ha im. Bisan pa daw mag-appear pa nga bitter ak, bahala nala.

Nevertheless, who am I kidding? As if such a thing would ever occur: you talking to me or you even bothering to ask how I'm doing. Hin-u ba naman ako para kamustahun mo? We're not even close. And no matter what I do, I couldn't ever amount to your so-called "friends."

Pero sige la, bali ba. Tikang yana, bahala ka na tim kinabuhi, bahala nala liwat ak hit akon. Diri na ak... T_T

kapag naiisip kita, napapangiti ako... ^_^

It felt like our "FIRST DATE" all over again... Only that, as much as I'd want it to be otherwise, for now, we're really "just friends". =)

Ironic, isn't it?
How the best-laid of plans would end up being futile; and how that one single spontaneous short notice would come to yield the most memorable "FRIENDLY DATE" ever... ^_^
How with the mere act of conversing, and none so much as a hug or a touch taking place, the most KILIG of all moments would materialize... ^_^
And how with the friggin EMBOLUS-like state of our "relationship", i.e., literally DISLODGED and FREELY-FLOATING as "JUST FRIENDS", we've come to share more of ourselves and have, in so many ways, become "more than friends" than we'd ever been. ^_^ Eeeeee... :D

So. It's been two and a half years of delaying this so-called "gratification" and if I may as honestly as add, spending the rather emptiest days of this friggin life without (literally) seeing him... But alas! At long long last, we finally met. =)
How joyous it would have been though if the circumstances surrounding our so-called careers had agreed to us being together, and more importantly, if his true feelings (which for all intents and purposes have practically remained a mystery up to this point in time!) were the same as that of mine.
JUSMIYU NGA PANHUNA-HUNA ABAADAW!

Nevertheless, that night was wonderfullest of all... ^_^
When I'd come to think of it, all I'd ever remember was being HAPPY.
For he was there, and for one and a half hours he was all mine. (Bwahaha! xD)
And even before that, the "signs" had seemed to connive for it to happen after a long long time of waiting for our friggin "DATE-ON-STANDBY" status to come to fruition. :D

And now... I am just so friggin filled with thoughts of HIM, and only HIM... ^_^

The way his face would seem to glow everytime he smiled...
The way his eyes would seem to dance around each time he spoke of his own little stupid jokes and his stupid plans for the future...
And the way his skin would seem to conduct some sort of electric impulse each time he'd bump his foot onto mine in an effort to stop me from pestering him for the corniest of his jokes...

When I'd think of all the million little things that, in one way or another, make him the freakazoid that I adore,
I would just freeze in nostalgic ecstasy...
And vividly recall how I would melt everytime those eyes would see through mine...
And then without further analysis or whatnot, I would all over again doubtlessly conclude THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM. ^^,

Hahahahaha... Obvious ba? xD
Basta... Kapag naiisip kita, napapangiti ako. ^_^

I guess I'm just grateful that we met.
And despite everything, I'm still glad that we're "JUST FRIENDS". =)

sitting, waiting, wishing...

Once again, it's one of those days when I'd think of you just when I'm about to sleep and then my mind would wander off to a memory of you sitting close to me, embracing me with those sturdy arms, and sharing with me that warmth that so lavishly entwined our then euphoric hearts, which never would have overworked themselves the same way, except maybe in the direst situations when we're miles apart and we couldn't wait to see each other again, and then...

I'd begin to wonder if I'd ever feel the same way for somebody again EVER.
Well, perhaps not. Obviously because the thought of you, in the multifarious dimensions of it, has become the center of my attention and of my deepest and darkest hopes and fears for the past n years of my friggin life. DANG!

I wish I never welcomed the thought that I could have you. Because in the first place, I have not the teeniest right to. No matter how much free will permits me, it would only be so shitty.

I guess I've grown tired of making up alibis to see you. And oh, how I wish there'd come a time when I'd be able to talk to you not because I'm in need of your help but because I merely want to be with you... If that's still ever gonna happen. T_T

in other words, i love you... =)

Being without you, while still utterly entertaining the thought of you and the thought that I could still have you again, is BULLSHIT.
You're not here, but since as always, you're still the center of my every thought and my every action, still feels like you're here... Only that it's just one big fat friggin ILLUSION which I choose to live under for reasons that are only fathomable by this pathetically pragmatic mind of mine. Geez!!

Why do I please myself with these crazy memories when I could make every one of them real??
Why do I live each day thinking that someday, at the right place and at the right time, we'll be together again, when I have every chance there is to be with you NOW??
Why do I still struggle to find the right words when I know perfectly well that they won't matter as long as we're in the same realm sharing that one same moment and then everything would just fall into place then??
Why do I choose to be the coward that I am now and live my every friggin day without you knowing how profoundly I feel for you??

I LOVE YOU.

Will I forever write these words down and just wait for some great miracle that'd make you read them?
Arghhh!!! I'm a basket case!! T_T

pag sinasaktan mo ako, yan ang gusto ko! :D

When in more ways than one you make me feel like I'm of no importance to your life.
When you never care to tell me more, simply because I don't ask for it.
When you base your goddamn decisions solely on what's right and not on what pleases you. (or me)
When you seem not to think about how I'd feel during practically every moment of your life.

When without the least effort you give me the impression that you're okay without me.
When you give me exactly what I need and nothing "more".
When you deliver those advices in the bluntest, most tactless of all ways.
When you elicit--directly and/or indirectly--jealousy within me, in every sense of the word!

When you make me think and make me feel that I'm stupid.
When you prove to me that you're always right and that I'm always wrong.
When you give such concise remarks that leave me hanging in wonderment every effing time.
When you just sit there and do nothing, and yet still ultimately give off that intimidating aura.

When you're constantly being your stubborn self.
When you don't listen to me and you don't take care of yourself.
When you go and drink like there's no friggin tomorrow!
And even when, you seem ever-so-effing-unaffected by my absence......

YOU BREAK MY HEART, do you know that?

But then again, that's you.
Whether you conscientiously do what you do to me every day of our effing lives, or not,
You give me reason to be with you more and more.

At the end of the day,
When you tell me how you feel,
When you laugh at my lamest jokes,
When you flash the smile that I so rarely see,
And when you apologize for mistakes that are really mine in the first place...

I DIE. ^^,

Which is why, despite everything, I'm still here for you.
Kasi...


"Pag sinasaktan mo ako, 'yan ang gusto ko!" (Pedicab)
Hahahahaha...


I LOVE YOU.
In every friggin sense of that phrase!

GAGO! :D

"I never left... I waited..."

Thank you for not being there. And for understanding.
Although it wasn't clear to you why I wasn't the slightest ready to face you yet, what with all my issues and all that, na-gets mo pa rin.
There was a second there though when I actually felt I could succumb to it.
I mean, I WAS THERE, for goodness' sake! Oo na nga lang ang kulang. :D

Then again, Fortuna sure was playing with me and these goddamn feelings of mine.
Nag-bran awt.
Na-empty batt.
Nasira ang landline.
Umulan nang umulan nang umulan.
At bumaha... The whole friggin night.

Buti sana kung nangyari ang mga kamalasang iyon nung nakarating ka na at magkasama na tayo!
HAHAHAHAHA...
Hahay... If only I said yes in the first place...
But, I didn't. So, that's that.
Ayaw lang talaga sa atin ng tadhana, pare. =D

it's not you, it's me! :D

Time only ever seems to fly when you're here.
And I can't seem to find the strength
To be with you now
When everything is so friggin perfect!

I have craved for and yet have been dreadfully afraid of IT.
The thousand smiles it brings.
The occasional bursts of tachycardia.
The profusion of waste from my every friggin body part!

The vision of your arms caressing my hips on a ceaseless "statue" dance
Just pops out every other time.
And the darn truth is:
I NEVER GET SICK OF IT.
Because silly as it may seem,
It's my friggin wish fulfillment dream of all dreams!

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
Like a sweater is to your goosebumped skin.
Like a cap is to your newly cut hair.
And like alcohol is to your naninikip na lalamunan.

"I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm begging you to beg me..." (Cheap Trick)

But I just don't seem to give you a freakin DAMN. :D

"wala lang"

This friendship thing really sucks!
No matter what I do, it seems like the bravest thing I've only ever done is place you in my Recycle Bin and then for what seems like a thousand times recover you from there whenever you ask me to.
I've never really been true to my "forgetting you" words. I'm a coward when it comes to this.

Sabi nga ng character dun sa soap opera:
"I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all." or something like that.

CRAP.
Di ko namalayang istorya na pala ng buhay ko ang linyang yun.
P**ANG *NA!!!

I've been so friggin content with what we have that I failed to realize that it was time for me to move on! And that should have been light years ago! P*T*K!

I should have ended this permanently. I should have terminated every stinking connection I had with you when I had the chance. (Or the chances... Thousands of chances...)
I should have stopped being your friend, in every sense of the word!
After all, ang dami mo na namang FRIENDS diyan. Losing me would surely be REPARABLE (if that's even a word).

For once, please just IGNORE ME.

After which, I swear it's kaputt for me.
Ayoko na ng ganitong feeling, pare. Napapagod din naman ako kahit pa'no.
Pero shempre di mo alam yun.
Akala mo kasi "wala lang" 'to.......

240 minutes in heaven (^^,)

I want to be your seatmate FOREVER… ^_^
Even if it means being bombarded with your corniest KSP jokes.
Even if it means being incessantly showered with your twisted views on insignificant subject matters.
And even if it means having to laugh my butt out at your dumbest stories ever told.

It’s a miracle though: us, being seatmates.
Because we rarely attend classes together since most of the time either one of us is LATE or ABSENT, or both of us are ABSENT. =D

UNIMIND.
The likeness by which two individuals think.
The timing with which two individuals decide to do something juvenile.
That’s us. =D

Then again, for the last two weeks, we became friends. (or we acted like it. HAHA)
And that’s saying something. :D
After all, we do have a constantly fluctuating love-hate relationship which comprises the very foundation of our friendship.

One thing’s for sure though.
I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF LAUGHING.
At you.
And at the person I become when I’m with you.
STUPID. :D
Nevertheless, TRUE.

I could not imagine how Promotive classes would be like with no one to share constipation stories with. Wahahaha… =D
Also, I might not be able to get over the fact that you out rightly gave me the answers to the Theo Final Exam. All because you knew I couldn’t see your answers without my glasses. LoLz! :D

Indeed, being beside you has its own set of benefits.
Next to the ventilation (c/o your "paypay"),
The greatest benefit being the oddly satisfying pleasure of your company. NAMAN! =D

21 things

"When's this fever gonna break?
I think I've handled more than any man can take..." :D


Oo nga! May point si Alex Band at si Carlos Santana. I feel like this chuva chenilyn watchamacallit thing I have for you has no friggin plan of evacuating from my lovesick mind.
Ano ba? Dati rati naman Farmville at PirateBay lang ang laman ng utak ko. Pero ngayon, over the last 40 or so days ay in-invade mo na rin ang sabaw at sabog kong damdamin.

Hay naku, baliw na nga ata ako... :D
Ikaw kasi, lalapit lapit ka! E hindi naman kita tinatawag. E kung ikaw kaya ang maulanan ng ganitong mga moments kung di ka rin mabaliw (or in the very least, makaramdam ng KURUG. Hahahaha!)

So, eto na nga.

21 Things I Like About You...

(1) The sparkle in your eyes when you say "those words" (by way of a JOKE of course)
(2) That signature "pa-kyut-pero-di-man-naangay" look that you have each time you tease yourself to me. :D
(3) The way your eyes take on a dreamy aura when you come to school late because of the usual hangover.
(4) The mere fact that we're always the last two people to sign the attendance sheet of Group 21 on account of we're seriously THAT delinquent. :D
(5) The jitter it brings with the mere mention of your family name next to that of mine during our roll-call attendances. (How LAME could I get? Haha!)
(6) The sheer pleasure I come to have when you tell me that I'm your "IDOL". Yet, when you diminish the value of what you just said when you suddenly tell me: "pero idol ko la ikaw kay pirmi ka nag-iinabsent..." LoL! =D
(7) That uniquely green tone to your voice when you call me "MONS" :D (bungaw!)
(8) The indecency and informality of the context with which you ask me out. (AS IF! >D)
(9) The numerous instances that I catch you staring from my back (and only because you had the impression that my peripheral vision is also impaired. Haha!)
(10) The seemingly wholesome manner by which you grab my shoulder, my elbow, or my HAND(!) when you stop me from bumping onto something. (*sigh*)
(11) The way you sneak up on me at the most unexpected moments and the unusually charming nature of that smile you flash which so severely haunts my most girlish dreams! (naman! =D)
(12) The contemplative look you have when you read that Med-Surg book. (*sigh*)
(13) The weirdest ways through which fate showers upon us these circumstances that keep us stuck together. (for educational purposes only, of course. :D)
(14) That "cute" (for lack of a word) moment at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit when we shared one working space to bathe, as it were, our neonates. P.S. And we+those babies soooo seemed like one big happy family. Bwahahaha!
(15) That "sobrang cheesy" moment on our way home from Pastrana (where we had our community service class) when you shouted "those words" as I went off the jeep and was crossing the highway. P.S. And the konduktor seriously thought that we were going out or something. Heeyayy!! >D
(16) That distinctly rotund figure that makes me recognize you from afar even without my glasses. ("Basta kumita ka hin daku nga figure, ako na ito." Hahahaha! =p)
(17) The positive remarks that I get, ironically in response to the insults I have for you. ("Grabe, I'm enjoying your company..." --> reply niya when I said "Harhar..." in response to his joke. Bwahaha! Kay KORNI liwat! =p)
(18) The several times that you praise me for my works and express your gratitude that I am your partner and that we are groupmates and that you wish we belonged to the same group forever. (*sigh*) [as if liwat they were genuine. Bwahaha. PLASTIK! >D)
(19) The mere fact that you laugh at my jokes, no matter the intellectual meaning involved within them. And the way you constantly remind me that I'm "matamayun". Bwahahaha! Magkaiba kasi talaga tayo, dude. Hekhek. =D
(20) Those moments we had when everyone else in the group had gone, and you sit by me, and we do nothing, and you utter nothing else but "ANO KA?" each time our eyes would meet. :D

(21) And lastly, for the compatibility of our personalities. Seriously, except for the fact that you are KIND and I am NOT, we really have a lot in common:

We're both CLASS-CUTTERS.
We're both CLOWNS.
We're both PORN ADVOCATES. =D
We're both SABOG most of the time.
And we both HATE EACH OTHER! LoL!

What I'm really trying to say is that I'm thankful that I met you. And since there's only a little less than two weeks before this watchamacallit thing comes to an end.
Well...

AT LEAST I HAVE THESE MEMORIES... =)

words...

The last 48 hours of this ding-blasted week would have completely sucked if it weren't for you.

Thank you. :)

For concurring with my rage against those people whom we both love to hate.
For appreciating my weirdest liking for Ben 10. (And for having the weirdest liking for him as well. :D)
For the most updated green jokes I have ever heard. >D
For fanning my face when you saw me perspiring.
(And for doing so with the use of your hanky. ^^,)
For sticking with me despite the fact that I seem to enjoy ignoring you.
And, I still can't believe I'm about to say this, but...

Thanks for just being there. :)

Nevertheless, I still hate it when you begin to act like we're the best of friends. (Because we're sooo NOT.)
CHURA!!! =P


P.S.
Please stop telling me things that you're not supposed to say.
Because as of this moment,

I am madly wishing those words weren't just words.....

i hate you... =)

Okay, so let's scratch that last post. I didn't exactly mean all of it; some of it were really CRAP, especially that last part where I said I HATE YOU. I mean, I hate you all right, but I don't really hate you hate you, "you know?" :D
In fact, having been graced by your presence today, I realized that you weren't so bad, you were just a bit cocky on our first "personal encounter." :D
For someone who has managed to irk me to the core, you really have your way with retaliating.

So you weren't so nice and submissive; in fact, you were even more annoying and more sarcastic and more overbearing than ever. Grr!
But still, as I was saying, you got your way with it.

So we weren't BFF's and we rarely agreed on anything.
But still, at the end of the day, we had agreed to one bit of detail: that we were both GREAT at what we were doing. Hahahaha... xD

We didn't exactly jive, so to speak. We were even throwing nasty remarks every now and then as if to say our mere collaboration has become such a nuisance that we couldn't wait for this stupid project to be over with so we could get on with our lives as if this "togetherness" had never happened.

You went on and on annoying me with such lame questions as if to challenge my apprehension on the subject matter. And I replied ever-so-matter-of-factly just so I could annoy you that much that you had to stop. Hah!
But then again, after every argument, still there comes the sincerest desire to know something other than the subject matter. Something as lame perhaps as details on our personal lives. :)
But still, WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, okay? xD

So. I could not help but notice those flabby fats ever-so-evident on that integument of yours, plus that nauseating smoke-ish breath as usual. And you couldn't help but be annoyed by that irksome smile on my face that seems to come off reflexively each time you utter some seriously impressive fact that I had failed to remember.

And so we talked and talked until both of us understood the why's and wherefore's of our strange manners and mannerisms. And miraculously, we shared one peaceful moment. For a friggin while, that is. xD

Yet now I have one bit of confession to make.
When we were blurting out the worst forms of verbal abuse against each other, I seriously felt HAPPY! ^_^
Maybe we're both just schizos.
Or maybe because I felt that YOU & I could actually be really good friends, so long as we engage in these arguments for the rest of our lives. :D
Half the time I was impressed that you took the time to read on the topic. That was really very unusual of you. (Makes me want to think that you made me want to think that you were smart or something. Hah, nice try, doofus! >p)

And now I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I actually think you're cool. In a PRICKLY, LOATHSOME, and EVIL sort of way. BLEH! >p

I hate you.
And yet... =)

GAGO pt.2

I discovered a lot of things today.


#1: That you and I could never stand each other, insomuch as I hate your sarcasm, and you hate my "greatness". =D

#2: That you will always be that jerk who says things like he means them but in more cases than one, never really means them. Ugh!!

#3: That I will never EVER like you, no matter how you try to tell me that you're smart and witty and all that.

#4: That you could never compare to HIM.

#5: That I will forever detest the fact that I ever had the teeniest liking for you. Your face!!


And lastly, whatever foul remarks that I said, I take them all back, and just wait till tomorrow, for I'll be throwing them back to you like cannonballs bound to serve their purpose: to put an end to your existence.

I HATE YOU.
You're the last person on earth that I want to be with.
I never EVER want to be partners with you again.
I never even want to be associated with your name ever again.

I HATE YOU.
Period.

back to one... ^_^

After all that's been said and done (with emphasis on the former, if I may add), I still can't believe that I actually want to thank you.

For being so insensitive.
About my eternally insignificant feelings for you. And about all the wonderful could-have-been's that have practically never EVER crossed your mind.

Also, for being so cool. And for teaching me the value of temperance.
It was because of you that I learned to conceal those things that perhaps for you were meant to be ashamed of.
Things that, knowing your oh-so-naive "devil-may-care" disposition, would include that one thing I never noticed had existed between us: that stupid little thing called love. (or a lot like it :D)

Tell me, was it me who was manhid, or wapaks, or dense?
Was it me who would never know a good thing until it hit me right between the eyes?
In other words,
AKO BA ADTO AN MAY SALA?
(Hahahaha... Anyways, past is past. :D)

First of all, it was your guts that made me adore you.
You were in every possible angle, an OGRE. :)
And yet, it wasn't your ogre-ness that I saw.
Because you weren't wooing on and on for affection, or sympathy, or whatnot.
Instead, you were even a self-professed CUTE guy. (Tim nawung!)
The fact that you were smart and that your favorite book, next to the Harry Potter series, is The Calculus 7 by Leithold, set my friggin heart on fire! ^_^
You really are my ultimate "HIM". And come to think of it, we were really COOL as friends. But, oh well, I guess that's life. :)
We are just not M.F.E.O. ^_^

Maybe it's also this IDOL complex I have toward you that keeps me grounded. I already know what I want, and I'm pretty sure I already know WHO I want.
And it was because of you that I realized how stupid I would be if I let him go again and again and again and again. (~4x)

I only wanted him to be happy.
And now that we're back to being friends again, the "never-ending love chase" is once more ACTIVATED.
Hahaha... :D

GAGO!

^_^

Halos mawalan na yata ako ng mata sa kakatawa.
Ikaw kasi. GAGO ka!

Bakit mo'ko sinamahan sa lahat ng places na dapat kong puntahan without a friggin hint na man lang of notice that only you were coming with me?
GAGO.

Bakit pag may nakakita sa'tin na magkasama at nagtanong kung sino ako, sinasagot mo casually and ever-so-pahalically ng: "UYAB KO"... :D

At bakit pag tinatanong ka kung sa'n tayo papunta, sinasagot mo ulit with that sarcastic tone of yours: "Magde-date gad. Obvious ba?"
Hahahaha... GAGO.

And why am I even making such a friggin big deal out of this?
Ugh! GAGO ka.

You don't have a friggin idea how long I've longed to be held on my hair, on my shoulder, on my back, and... ON MY HAND.
By YOU...

How I longed to be stuck with you for even just a minute.
And now that it's finally happening, it feels so friggin surreal. :(

Hindi ko na ma-take ang mga pangyayari...

Hindi ko ma-take because I feel like I'm having a friggin good time with you.
And I seem to be wishing that this doesn't end.
And yet...

I feel like this isn't right. :(

I swear, I won't give in to any of this.
I LIKE YOU and all. But only as a friend.
Dahil GAGO ka!
At ayaw na kitang makasama.
GAGO!

T_T

binabawi ko na yun... pramis! T_T

If it gives you any consolation, I want you to know that I already am beginning to loathe this feeling.
Of being caught in the aftermath of conscientiously hurting somebody.
Especially if that somebody was the last person on earth whose feelings I'd want to hurt at this very moment! T_T

If I could only tell you that it's YOU...

Haaay... HERE I GO AGAIN.
Pretending to think he's just a waste of time when in fact, these last few days, he's already been "the voice inside my head." :)
Pretending to be annoyed by his super-corny KSP jokes when all the while, all I ever wanted was for him to notice me. :)
Pretending to ignore those sweet gestures and frowning at the onset of our "loveteam moments" when truth is, I shiver at the thought of us being a real "US" in the near future. :D (ASA!)
And once again, distancing myself for fear of the many probable things the two of us could end up with, when it's really him whom I daydream about when I see chubby flabby guys on the street who, in one way or another, look like him. :D

I rewind every little thing you do for me, and for the nth time, HYPOTHESIZE.

You sing my fave mushy tunes in the most unexpected moments. (And to think you had no way of knowing I liked them!)
You help me out when my terror teacher tries to bully me.
You're always the first to know when something's wrong with me.
You fetch me my spoon and fork when you see that I still have none. (*sigh* ^^,)
You make sure that I'm "well ventilated." :D
And... You even had the guts to teach me the meaning of the word "CONCISE"! (aba'y akalain mo yun! =D)

I rarely feel like this towards anyone, but I'm already beginning to think that you're my HERO. ^_^
Mabait ka lang ba talaga, o nagbabait-baitan ka lang? LoL... >D

You talk to me when I'm alone.
You tell me you miss me at least once a day. :D
And cheesiest of all, you call me by the corniest term of endearment I could possibly imagine: BABE. (^^,)
Hahahaha!! Sa dinami-dami ng pwedeng maka-labtim, ako pa ang napili mong pag-tripan. GAGO! =p

Pero di nga...

I'm sorry if my stupid mouth has failed to tell you that you're AMAZING.
It could do really stupid things especially when I'm around you.
It didn't mean what it said.
It just wants you back, at least back to one, when we were still talking. =(

I just hope it's not too late.
It's gonna be hard to see you everyday and pretend to not like you, over and over and over again... T_T

i like you like you! ^_^

This time you really did it, BIG FRIGGIN TIME. :D
And I'm quite sure that this won't be just a passing fancy.
Ika nga ni SWEET: "This is it!!" >D
It's like the more "dimensions" I discover from your extraordinary personality (not to mention your ever-so-sensationalized SEXUALITY!), the more convinced I am that you truly are ONE of a KIND. And come to think of it, you really are ONLY HUMAN.
And I don't friggin care what others think and presume you are. What do they care, really??

Alam ko namang KORNI ka, pero at least may SENSE of HUMOR ka diba? :D
Alam ko ring minsan O.A. ka up to the point na nilaladlad mo na ang iyong TRUE COLORS, pero at least GENUINE ka diba? :D
Minsan di ko rin maintindihan kung ano ka nga ba talaga, pero in fairness, meron ka nung tinatawag nilang "ANDROGYNY kasi you're in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides. "O di ba?" :D
Minsan din ay nami-misinterpret ng iba ang actions mo, pero alam naming mga nakakakilala sayo na talagang CONCERNED ka lang naman talaga diba? =)
And lastly, kung wala ka nito, di ko na alam kung magkakaroon pa kaya ako ng sinasabi nilang IDOL-SLASH-ROLE-MODEL COMPLEX towards you. (Hah, tim nawung! =p)

You are a GEEK at heart. And yet, ang simple mong mag-isip. At dahil dun, I don't just like you.
I LIKE YOU LIKE YOU! ^_^

Hoy bakla! Hindi kita crush noh! Chura nim! LOL... >D

Balit, seriously...
PLEASE NEVER, EVER CHANGE.

Because someone as UNIQUE as you is truly one of God's most precious MIRACLES.
You don't just inspire me; you elicit change deep within me like an "immovable force" that's bound to stay for the rest of my days. :)

THANK YOU.
For everything. :D

as if...

I fear that the more we get to see each other, the more reasons there will be for you to realize that I'm a mere CRAP.
I fear that the next time we do "see" each other again, I'd run out of things to say and then all over again, it would seem like I'm the one who's ignoring you.
I fear that this "friendship" would slowly end in oblivion and then the once wacky conversations that we had would end up in awkward bullness.

I want to be with you but I'm just too afraid to even say yes.

I fear a lot of things, one of which is the fear of crying like shit all over again.
The fear of being said the most hurtful and the most hopeful things at the same time.
Of being left with pitiable shittyness the moment you lose all hope.
The fear that the feeling of being in love would swallow me whole and envelop me like some semi-permeable membrane, allowing the passage of one and only one type of substance: YOU.

Daydreaming.
Ranting.
Waiting...

That's all I could ever do.
Blame me all you want, but it still won't change the fact that we can't be together, at least not in a zillion years.
There's nothing left to do, really.
But recount our never-ending love chase, pretend to still be in it, as if it were a love story that actually existed...

no, not at all.... xD

Come to think of it, it doesn't bother me at all that we're just "friends." Moreover, the fact that every time we cross paths, or engage in these so-called "shared experiences" I make such friggin fun of myself in front of everyone, most especially in front of you(!)-- doesn't friggin bother me at all. It's weird because I should feel bad knowing I may have gone lower than your expectations, but HELL, I feel strangely good. xD

Maybe because at the end of every comedic performance that I "accidentally" have, I see that geekish grin of yours. Which makes me think, oddly and non-maliciously as a matter of fact, that in a way, I actually made you HAPPY. =)

I don't mind being CLUMSY for the sake of giving you "pleasure."
I don't mind being greeted with a smile every other time either.
And lastly, I don't mind being held on the hand for whichever purposes the holding hands thing may have served. (Hahahahaha!!)

YOU are such a GEEK. And I ADORE YOU... >D

supposed culmination

It's been three friggin days and I still haven't heard from him. And it's driving me f**king crazy! Bwisit. You know, if I could just trade my heart with some other single-blessed creature out there who could never be happier being alone, then I would. With that, I wouldn't be feeling all shitty and lonely and desolate and f**king depressed!

This might be the "being without him" part of my life which I've feared ever since that f**king uncertainty of us being together was insinuated by those f**king words you said. And I am soooo not happy about it. It scares me than all of my phobias combined! Can't you see what you've f**king done to me??

Someday, if and when all of this is over, I'll f**king see why it's you of all people. Why, in all your mediocrity(!), in all your insensitivity, in all your bluntness, you've given me reason to f**king LOVE YOU!

There's no point in going on loving somebody when all you'd ever get is PAIN. AGONY. EXCRUCIATION. TORMENT. HEARTACHE.

So from now on, I will never EVER try to see you again, even if it means having nothing to live and die for in this friggin life. Maybe I'll see you, but I swear, it's only gonna be friggin ACCIDENTAL. (Yeah, that's what you f**king implied it to be, you PRICK!)

since i don't have you...

You know what I'd desperately want to do right now? Make a CLONE of you, including everything I love, like, adore, desire(!), as well as everything I despise about YOU -- e.g. your beautiful eyes that make my heart melt everytime you see through me -- and place him right beside me so that I would never have to miss YOU and your toxic presence ever again.

I'm so f**king caught between trying so hard to forget you and being contentedly happy with just dwelling on our "memories." Pictures of you (when we were still an "US") on my mind are just so f**king perfect that I dare not try to miss each moment even if it means being insanely fixated on a mere MEMORY... A fantasy, a daydream, a crappy suntok-sa-buwan-na-pangarap. SHET!!

If somebody could just ever replace you and everything you do to me! Then I'd never have to be ranting about these again... But deep inside, I know. There could never be anyone as PATIENT, as KIND, as INTELLIGENT, as COOL, as ARROGANT, as PLAYFUL, as SEXY, and as HANDSOME (err.. haha!) as the only person that I've ever truly loved. That is, YOU. How, oh how, did we ever end up like this? Everything sucks, "since I don't have you." Everything f**king sucks...


"Now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I MISS YOU..." T_T

nothing compares to you

Today marks the beginning of a new life, i.e., that which would "POSSIBLY" be without him. It was only yesterday when I actually thought my last shot at getting "the one" back had materialized. He told me he wanted to see me, and that was yet something I should be jumping for joy about. For one, I was genuinely glad he said that, for he never said things like that in, like, five(?) f**king years. And also, he isn't the patronizing type: he just says the sweetest words in the bluntest instances and means. (Which is one of the million things I love about him.)

Then again, last night's "argument" was the most brutal (in the verbal sense), for I needed no more of any explanations whatsoever to help me accept the fact that HE & I were actually going F**KING NOWHERE! It was the most depressing moment of my life. Depressing in the sense that I felt not even a tinge of hope that I could still ever have my chance back. And more importantly, the fact that I hopelessly and insanely CARED about him, but left him thinking otherwise (with traces of IRK for me, if I may add), makes me a thousand times more of an A-HOLE than what I was when I first let him go.

The "argument" ended in some sort of reconciliation where he actually forgave me for the stupidity of words and bad use of humor. Yet, he still asked me to forget everything he said because he considered his apparently having a bad mood a reason for the misunderstanding. And with that, I could not believe how an adorably KIND, PATIENT, and UNDERSTANDING creature like him could ever exist! He is absolutely just one of a kind. And I was absolutely stupid to have ever been nothing but a pain in the ass to accuse him of being someone that he's not.

Yet there was a phrase in the last few words he said before he said goodnight which for me was enough to make me believe just how close to being impossible this dream of us being together was coming into. BAHALA NA.

I could only conclude that he was giving up. Maybe because he's there and I'm here. Maybe because everytime he came near, I go far. And maybe because the universe seems to conspire against us seeing each other. Maybe because we are not M.F.E.O. (F**ck MFEO!)

7 years, 2 months, 11 (or 4) days, and a few hours...

That's actually a f**king long time to be loving somebody! It amazes me, and yet it hurts. Because until now, I still haven't told him how I actually feel. Which makes me a stupid JACKASS.

I don't know how our story would end. But I honestly pray that he'd be happy, with or without me.

I walked for an hour, 8 friggin rounds around the oval, and straight towards Downtown. It felt good to think of him, and only him, and not to feel hurt at all. The walk was actually therapeutic. Because after everything that's happened, I've formulated a resolution: TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING THE VERY NEXT CHANCE I GET TO SEE HIM.

To tell him that life after losing him was not at all pleasurable. It was pure SHIT. Because no matter how I tried to convince myself that I'd fallen for all those other "ogres," to quote Sinead O'Connor:

"Nothing compares to you."

delay gratification...

MISSING YOU is the greatest feeling I ever had in a lifetime.
With it comes an irony... of the most bizarre emotions any human being could possibly get hold of at a time.
A gift... through which my deepest desires on one end, and my darkest fears on the other, are discerned.
It is as if your ABSENCE, and not your insanely intoxicating presence(!) brings about this eerie kind of happiness.

HAPPY... in the sense that I come to realize just how badly I could do without you.
HAPPY... in the sense that this ever-increasing desire to be with you becomes my only source of "inspiration" left to make this life worth living.
And HAPPY... simply because I know that somewhere, YOU are there. And that someday, we WILL be together again. :)

And if and when that day ever comes, I swear I'd tell you everything.
I'm sorry it took me this long. Now I'm all shitty. =D

I MISS YOU so much that it hurts.
And yet, it's AMAZING. And it feels friggin' good!

When, oh when, shall I ever see you again? @_@

ode to the dark

The stillness of night invites me to linger
Within this gift of solitude we're given
A lustful realm of malice--a haven
Of wildest schemes I could only dream ever!

The dimness enchanting, conniving with moonlight,
Revealing that visage I've hungered to see
And those lips--God, those LIPS!--exist just to tempt me
Of this urge to explore more of you tonight...

The cool breezy air entwines that sweet scent
From thy breath... Now I've been helpless, yet gladly I give in
To seek through all means thy warmth from within.
And at long, long last here comes: our opportune moment...

Every inch of you now seems heavenly
As every strength left of me burns with agony...
From the profoundest longing to be with you
And tonight, here in the dark... To TOUCH you. =D

seven years

I am but a shadow--of YOU, my love...
Ever so close, yet hopelessly so far.
Like the crater is to a shooting star,
Just there--waiting--to catch you from above.

Your merest glimpse was all I'd ever need
To fathom thus the gravest sin I know:
That's being an ASS, for letting you go.
For love's both a gift and a curse indeed:

Your mem'ry leaves me with nothing but bliss
Yet clear as that face that wades through my dreams,
Will truth be as vague, for light-years--it seems.
Tell me how long shall I succumb to this?

For life is nearly nothing without you.
And truth of all truths is: I STILL LOVE YOU.

for never

The affair remains to be... just a dream... Forever a dream.

I could have easily been convinced by what others say about you. Because as they were, they seem true. But still, I refuse to believe them. And resolve to just call them lies. I placed my trust in you and was ready to forgive and forget, and for the nth time, give you your f**king nth CHANCE!

I know you have your reasons, but P**ANG *NA naman!! You could have just told me the truth, because that was the least you could do! How the hell can I be happy when I know that someone out there would bleed for you?

I thought YOU were "the one." I always have.

And here I am, still waiting for you to tell me nga diri adto tuud!! Y*WA...

Here I am, still waiting... When all this time it seems like I've saved all the waiting for never.
Here I am, still waiting... Waiting to be hurt again. Waiting for my f**king heart to be broken. For the f**king nth TIME. By YOU!

P**ang *na! Gusto ko nang mamatay!! T_T


"One minute you feel like you're the happiest person alive... And then all of a sudden, someone takes it away from you, just like that..."

"ambut"

Do you know that when you smile,
It gives me strength to suffice for the whole effing day?

When you say the simplest "thank you" for some Botany cheat,
It makes me feel like I'm the kindest nerd alive!

When you ask me things that, most often than not, don't involve you or me,
Meaningless as they may seem, to me
They do make the most sense. ^_^

Do you know how much they so lure me into daydreams,
Of YOU and me, alone, together, in "genuine" conversation?

When you try to let me teach you,
When you make me feel like I'm your only hope...
I lose my nerve and say things I'm really not bound to say
And then I end up with the lamest lines, like...
"AMBUT." =p

Do you know that when blood rises up to your face to reveal how embarrassed you are,
I feel the same way, and at times even worse?

I don't know what these might mean
But perhaps the infatuation still is ALIVE.
And I don't know why it's YOU, of all people.
But I'm sure you ain't the wrong guy.
Perhaps you're just... WEIRD.

WEIRD, but CUTE. :)